sometimes the best way to get to know yourself is to just shut the f*ck up.
when silence is the loudest voice in the room, there is this innate desire to fill it. anxiety rings like a bell in your ear, nudging you to fill what feels like social anxiety, creeping up the hairs on your neck with chatter. but why is it that in moments of solitude and silence, we can’t ever just let our minds be at peace?
for the last year or so, i’ve made it my goal to go on a weekly solo date. i’ve learned a lot about myself in this last year- and we’ll revisit those things as time progresses, but today i wanted to focus on getting over my fear of silence.
a couple of weeks back, i went to a meditation and breath work class by myself. i’ve always been someone who has struggled with meditation because, just like my Gemini-coded mouth, my brain never shuts off. and for that reason, meditation has never been my favorite method of relaxation. i really wanted to challenge myself to release in this class and allow my mind to dance alongside the calming intricacies of my meditation guide. and for the first time, i actually did it. i pictured myself in a dark tunnel. there were no sounds; just me walking through the tunnel towards the guide’s voice. it felt weird to be content in my mind's quietness. i can’t think of one point in my life where my brain was actually as quiet and calm as the breeze over a field of grass. i could think, but there wasn’t really any reason for me to think. it was freeing… and mildly frightening.
i was never taught to just shut up and be cute. my parents actually raised me to be quite the opposite. they encouraged me to speak up confidently and unashamedly have an opinion and thought. i’ve been a very loquacious person from a young age- and i can think of at least 50 people that can attest to this fact. i say all of this because there has been no point in my life where quietness has ever felt like something i’ve wanted to embrace. even in instances when i’m excited for a new project i’m pursuing or there’s a fun fact i want to share with someone. i love to talk and i love listening to myself talk, if i’m being honest. i didn’t realize how much i actually felt uncomfortable with the idea of not being able to yap until i started putting myself in situations where there was no reason to.
my solo dates have mostly consisted of me eating by myself, doing hands on classes or workshops or even just reading in the park. i.e. instances where talking isn’t needed much unless i’m asking for help. i started to find that the more i was alone the more i lacked the urge to want to fill the silence that surrounded me… and i kind of liked that. i didn’t realize how exhausted i felt from feeling like i needed to always fill silence. sometimes silence is comforting- safe even. i liked that i didn’t need to explain myself, i liked that i didn’t need to entertain myself and i liked that i didn’t need to entertain someone else if i’m being frank. there are no expectations in silence. silence doesn’t want anything from you other than stillness.
i also came to the realization that even though my solo moments allow for the perfect reflection space, i don’t always need to be reflecting. there is this notion that you should always be growing and learning when you’re alone i.e. the people that tell you to focus on yourself instead of looking for a man. and listen i get that notion, but girl, i don’t always want to be learning lessons when i’m alone. sometimes, i just want to allow the silence to envelop me and coddle me like a boy mom.
i never set out to start unlearning fears when i started dating myself. in fact, i didn’t even realize silence was a fear until i started forcing myself to sit in it. i can say now that i love allowing myself to have an empty mind and a tight lip when in my moments of solitude.
see you soon :)
gave this the literal like after just reading the title. while you elaborate about this in a more personal way, just this last week i was discussing how many movies would benefit from less lines/dialogue. brava!
Definitely in my silent era